i dont know if i believe in those little things anymore. that love overcomes all obsticles, that theres a god, that there's anything good out there. Mainly because im lost and confused. I'm fighting with myself to make peace. to let at all go, but the reality is i just can't do it. All the questions i ask myself: "is it worth all of it", "is this what i want", "am i happy", they all resolve to the same answer. So maybe to a certain degree i still believe. No matter how hard i try to brace myself for the worst, theres still apart of me holding onto hope. I dont know if thats a good thing or not. They say everyone needs a bit of hope, but do i really need this. I don't think i'd ever be able to take down all these pictures with all the memories trapped inside.

so when do i tell myself to let go?when do i tell myself that my best isnt good enough? I dont know how to deal with this. how every bit of me is telling me to fight but theres just something in me thats telling me let it go. i cant. i wont. Honestly looking at everything from now, from all the laughs to all the hurts, i think every bit of it is worth it. its still worth it. Looking down the road, i'll deal with it if you leave for a bit. its not forever. its 4 months at a time for 4 years. I've been thinking and i just know, if i dont try for you, i'd try for no one. I'm not ready to walk away and forget, and look back saying "gosh those were good times", they still ARE. we're learning, growing, figuring out what works and what doesnt. I've come a long way, from being jealous to less jealous, something i thought would never change, but look at us now. Everything has faults, everything could be fixed, everything could be better, but it takes 2. I know i push it sometimes and there isnt anything i can do to let you know just how sorry i am but every time i walk away trying to be better. Sometimes it pays off, other times it doesnt. Maybe you'll find someone out there better, who'll keep you happy, but honestly, i don't beileve that i CANT be that person. I've figured what it takes to work. To be more relaxed and not pushing each others buttons when we're stressed. To be patient, to be loving, to be understanding. I'm sorry i cant always be these things but now i know, but maybe its too late.

I dont know, will i cry? sometimes (like now) i just dont see whats worth crying for anymore. But i know when the time comes, it'll be a different story. girls are sensitive like that. I dont want to cry, and i've realized, i dont have to. Its all in my head, and i wake up every morning chosing to be happy or not. sometimes we all need those days to wake up and just drown ourselves in our own pity. By this point in time, i dont even know what im saying anymore. in the span of 20 mins i've gone from being confused, depressed and sad, to somewhat optimistic, it must be that little ray of hope. To be honest, i dont know about anything anymore. i was so sure, but im not anymore, but at the end of the day, theres no one else i'd rather find out with than you. I'm scared for so many things right now, and just the overall timing of all of this but i've decided its worth it, meaning i'll keep going.

you never know what you have until you lose it. or close to losing it. i dont know. but i know. i know so very well now.
i'm yours.

{/Beats & Rhythms --

it's the words of my soul

{/Never Look Back --

watch me waste my life away

{/credits --

{/In The End --

this one's for you