you know hes right sometimes. why ask questions if we already know the answer. I know the answer. I've known the answer for awhile now, just always struggling to find another one, a different one, one where I'd be happy. A piece of me has always known that good things don't just happen for people like me. And that no matter how good something gets, I look back wishing i had something else. Not really wishing, but more like bringing it into the present. So what is this answer? Well the question is the one every man on earth probably dreads to answer- "your friendship or me". horrible decision, i know. And contrary to popular belief, the one asking the question can also hurt. So the answer? Mines or his? The one i want to hear or the one i know? The answer, depending on who you ask, can be both, or on the surface thats what it seems like. For me, deep down inside i want to hear that it'll be me -That because i've known him longer, that i've shared every bit of my existance with him from the past year and a bit and that he loves me. But the reality down there is that i dont think its so. Whats the difference between fighting now and later? What will changed between now and then? nothing. He's decided on his answer now, and deep within, i know that it wont change no matter how much i hope and wish. Terrible isnt it? what a huge reality slap in the face. So then the question, contradicting an early post, is what now? Am i just here waiting for that day to come where an already thought out decision has been made? I think this is the first time in such a long time where i've just felt slightly, or more like tremendously hopeless. It feels like i cant do anything and i hate that feeling. I hate walking down the line and seeing that 100m down there is no more rope. I hate simply walking towards my doom, feeling powerless. I hate not knowing what to do.

i hate seeing him hurt, i hate hurting him. but the easiest way to put an end to it is not an option for me. im selfish like that. I love him too much to just let it go without fighting. Call me reckless. But know that every time we fight, i'm scared. I wish it were easy. Like in movies and fairy tales, where the man lets his lady have her way, putting her infront of himself. its not like that in real life. People are naturally selfish and i've never met anyone who is an exception to this rule.I've learnt to never ever let yourself believe that someone will always put you first. life is too shitty for that to happen to you on a daily basis. im not saying that it never happens, but for you just to stop expecting it to happen.

frick i dont know what to do. i wish everything was easy. i wish that everything would just go according to plan, playing out perfectly like it did in my head. i'm just so sick, sick of waking up with this fear, that one day everything is just going to come crashing down because of something/someone that is nothing. its not worth it to me. i dont see how it can be. but it means something to him, and i know that that will be the end of me. God help me understand because i just dont. i dont see how someone like this can be the reason for all this pain. i dont want to be angry, i dont want to be sad, but i would like to be back where i started, at the beginning, where everything looked so sunny and fine. help.

{/Beats & Rhythms --

it's the words of my soul

{/Never Look Back --

watch me waste my life away

{/credits --

{/In The End --

this one's for you